Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating

* Fashion decorating has a lot of important concepts to remember. Rustic means you bring the sticks inside the house and Euro-rustic means to leave the sticks outside but bring the tree in the house.

* Early American and primitive means you hang all the rusty tools on the wall as a fashion accent. Poor means you're still using them everyday.

* Danish modern means everything is made out of the wood your grandma said wasn't good for nothing and polishing it. All other modern/contemporary means all the furniture is white because they can afford to hire somebody to keep it clean and their children puke on art canvas instead of the couch.

* They might not call it a couch. When you got no money, it doesn't much matter what you call it. It does help to be able to sit down on it.

* Keeping the important things in mind when decorating with no money is critical. With $500 to buy designer sheets, who could sleep? I'd lay awake all night trying to spend that much money. I sure couldn't sleep on it.

* Another important thing to consider about decorating is what paid people think. The paid people from the government that have to come visit every week probably won't understand wwhy you just don't go buy new stuff anyway. We go no money is not their problem. We're paying them.

* Glue and scotch tape are the magic tools of the got no money decorator. What you can't glue or tape, you don't need to be doing and can't afford. Anything that has to be propped up to be any good needs a good brick. These are the basic elements of good design with no money.

* If you can tack it on the wall - don't waste any nails on it. If you can stickey tack it on - don't waste any tacks on it. This is a hardware concept - you don't have to waste a lot of time fighting with it.

* By the way - the Early American thing - don't use tacks. Those old rusty hand saws just will not stay. This is called an "active environment" risk.

* Children's rooms are almost cheating because they are so easy to decorate with no money. We dump the box of their toys out in the middle of the floor and call it, "child development access area." Takes all the work out of it.

* There is no such thing as broken - has to be thrown away when you have no money. Old dishwasher handlebar got broke - it becomes a new bicycle pedal. Shelf got broke because child was using it for free-form dexterity test - it becomes a scraper to take the plaster off the toilet.

* Everything can be incorporated into a thorough, well-planned decorating scheme. You know how stiff blue jeans get when they have been worn three weeks without being washed? If they can just hold up this one tabletop . . .

Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating

* I started to wallpaper the bathroom with legal papers. The government is the only one that can afford paper. They sent a tone of it to our house. Surely it could be a decorating element. You can't wipe with it.

* Maps are great wallpaper. I saw it done in a book once. The book picture showed a great room wallpapered in maps. Of course, they could afford mahogany shelving to accent them. Wonder if the effect would be the same with fake fur and stucco? I've seen cars done that way.

* We like textural finishes. We have a friend that finishes houses and gives us the ends of the buckets. Do you know what ceiling mud does when its left in the bottom of the bucket too long? Yes, it does make a nice wall sculpture, doesn't it? A little glow-in-the-dark paint and hope it doesn't fall on anybody . . .

* Never plaster a toilet. Toilets do no lend themselves to great decorating ideas.

* We had four custom wheels in our basement which fit not any car we could ever afford. We had a small square coffee table where we ate with no stools. Now, we have four industro-fashion fifty dollar a piece fully functional, modular seating units which fit securely under the butt.

* Butt is not a fashion decorating word but it is a priority element of decorating. What you do with butts makes all the difference in decorating. Cheap seats are hard seats. Can't afford them anyway. And no money butts are hard, scrawny, boney butts. Hard seats won't do. You'll have to keep a crowbar on the wall to pry the seats from the butts. Isn't that special? Early American . . .

* If birthday streamers, banners, balloons, Christmas and New Year's decorations are left up long enough, they become decorating elements automatically. People stop asking whose birthday it is about the second month they are still up.

Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating

* You know houseplants are just fast growing weeds with a pot stuck under them.

* Houseplants are easier to hang than bankers but not near as much fun to watch.

* For 99 cents , you can glo-in-the-dark anything. Who needs fancy emergency lights and a generator for a storm? Put enough glo-in-the-dark paint around and you can't tell the difference.

* We glo-in-the-dark everything. We can find our shoes in the dark, our stove in the dark, my husband's privates in the dark.

* Don't say anything to my husband about the glo-in-the-dark privates thing. He never looks down at himself and I haven't told him.

* Plastic flowers in the window boxes were a great idea from a friend of mine, but we couldn't afford them. So, we put that idea with another problem we kept having and now our windows have really great dirty socks on a stick in the boxes. From the street, you can't tell anyway.

*No, they don't glo-in-the-dark. But, we could do that . . .

*My husband keeps asking what happened to all his socks. So you think I should tell him? He can't divorce me. We don't have any money.

Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating

"Genius is to be Resourceful, ingenious, daring, creative and let go of the confounded limitations in propriety." cricket quote from 1999

*When you got no money it's not the same as being poor. Poor is a state of mind. Got no money is a fact.

*A trail of stars:
Camping under the stars - Glow in the dark stars on every ceiling is easier than camping -
no bugs, no rain, real beds and the keys don't get locked in the car.

With a nature sounds recording - you'll think you're in the woods till your ex-mother-in-law comes over.

*The best way to approach decorating when there is no money is to choose a color scheme and realy stick with it. One of our favorites is cardboard brown, grey and glow in the dark.

Got No Money Guide to Home and Personal Security

Got No Money Guide to Home Security


Most people get a sticker for their window that says, "Protected by xx Security and Alarm" or something like that. Then, of course, every month there is a fee for the company to protect the property by manning the alarms.

When you got no money, that isn't realistic. So, to help the world of folks with no money, these are anti-theft suggestions and crime deterrents as stickers for the home, car and personal property:

*Already pawned everything of value.

*There's a reason I drive a beat-up Ford.

*We were the 223 millionth American family to file for bankruptcy. What they didn't take isn't worth stealing.

*Ex air traffic controller - Ex postal carrier - go for it - make my day.

*Victim of impoverisation economic demographics. I'm poor. You can't steal what I aint got.

*The government already got it.

*If you are looking for our money - the IRS has it.

*The credit cards in my wallet were maxed out three months ago. I was arrested at an atm for trying to withdraw my own money. The bankruptcy will be final eventually after my ex-wife's lawyers are done screwing up my life. Have it all - your luck has to be better than mine.

*If you steal my checks or atm card - you'll have to beat the checks to the bank just like I do.

*All our money was in a savings and loan.

*We down-sized. We're doing without money, thankyou very much.

**We just paid our electric bill that was two months behind. Your timing is way, way off.

More Got No Money Guide to Home Security

More stickers for the protection of home, self and property:

*You can have everything in our house, if we can bum a couple packs of cigarettes from you. We'll help you load it up.

*Steal what you want, but could we bum a couple packs of smokes off you. Our welfare check hasn't come yet.

*We couldn't afford our car insurance and this vehicle is registered with the State Office of No Insurance. Take it at your own risk. Oh yeah - and I've been meaning to get the brakes fixed - use the parking brake if you're going to want to stop at all. Just tug real hard.

*Unemployed Taxpayer.

*The CEO of a major corporation lives several blocks over. We were down-sized and drawing welfare. Why waste the effort? If we had money to rob, guess what? We'd have already spent it on something. In fact, we did.

*We are shoplifting food at the grocery store to feed our family. Please come back on Monday, Wednesday or Thursday and we'll talk shop.

*Our house is in foreclosure. Please feel free to take the rest so we don't have to pay movers.

*Everything here came from the thrift store. Help yourself.

*We are justifiably poor. We follow a religious order. Apparently you need to join. We can save you. Come back when we're here and we will.

*Do you know how many ways you can make macaroni and cheese into different meals? We do. We aren't doing that because we can afford to go out to eat. Our children think happy meals are days we can eat rice and bologna. Don't tell 'em.

*The trash in our yard is not a status thing. We don't have money for that. We are not robbable, unless . . . never mind, you probably have your own trash cans.

*Who told you to come to this neighborhood anyway? We would live somewhere else, if we had any money.

*Our bankruptcy is final. Thanks for stopping by - its a little late but there is a roll of toilet paper left if you hurry.

*We had money once. Please try us again in five years.

*Unemployed long enough to hate everybody. Come on in.

*We own a black and white tv. The children put rocks in our cassette player. We have two lamps that don't work and the telephone's ringer don't ring since I threw it at the wall. If you really want it - go for it.

*Official member of the working poor.

*If you leave your address and phone number, we'll be glad to let you know when we can afford to be robbed.

More stickets to stave off the bad guys from your home, self and property:

* We won't be available for robbery until next year or later. This year the IRS got it all.

* Do you have any idea how many places there are that have money available? Have you noticed we don't look like we're on that list? That's because we don't have any money.

* We are consistently poor. We are okay with that. The state has made sure we have a psychologist so we can be okay with that. If you want to rob somebody, get a psychology degree. The state is paying him $120 per hour to tell us its okay to be poor as long as we're consistent and have an identity.

* We got no mo money. We bought plastic laundry baskets so we could get organized. We bought little circle tabs in different colors so we could be color-coded. We got cleaning sprays so we could clean and disinfect everything in our house. We obviously ran out of money about half way through the grocery store because we forgot to get icecream and had to put some things back. You've got to be kidding. If you robbed a street person or a senator at least you'd get their liquor money.

* My company explained to me what down-sizing means. Would you like me to explain it to you? Yes, I do have an attitude, don't I?

* Are you sure it wouldn't be easier to get a job hanging gutter or something? My mother-in-law knows lots of jobs. I know, because she keeps trying to get me one.

* When I grow up, I'm going to be rich and famous. At this rate, I'm never going to grow up. Check with me later.

* I thought about being a criminal. There couldn't be much money in it, if you're this desperate. That's pathetic.

* If I had five dollars, my kids or wife spent it already.

* Did you do your homework about this? The only thing here is dirty clothes. Help yourself. We could use all the help we can get.

* We are too poor to spit and got none to spit with. What were you thinking?

* Demographics is a big word that means to check and see how much people got before you try to go and get it from them. You might want to check our demographics. We are in the ain't got none category.

* Are you dreaming? We don't have money or anything else of value. We are dreaming that we might have something someday but you're dreaming, if you think that day is today.

* Go steal somewhere else. We are not worth the effort. We would hate to see you waste your valuable time here.

* When you got up this morning - did you engage your brain? There has never been enough money here to buy anything we could sell if we had to.

Got No Money Guide to Home Security

More stickets to stave off the bad guys from your home, self and property:

* We won't be available for robbery until next year or later. This year the IRS got it all.

* Do you have any idea how many places there are that have money available? Have you noticed we don't look like we're on that list? That's because we don't have any money.

* We are consistently poor. We are okay with that. The state has made sure we have a psychologist so we can be okay with that. If you want to rob somebody, get a psychology degree. The state is paying him $120 per hour to tell use its okay to be poor as long as we're consistent and have an identity.

* We got no mo money. We bought plastic laundry baskets so we could get organized. We bought little circle tabs in different colors so we could be color-coded. We got cleaning sprays so we could clean and disinfect everything in our house. We obviously ran out of money about half way through the grocery store because we forgot to get icecream and had to put some things back. You've got to be kidding. If you robbed a street person or a senator at least you'd get their liquor money.

* My company explained to me what down-sizing means. Would you like me to explain it to you? Yes, I do have an attitude, don't I?

* Are you sure it wouldn't be easier to get a job hanging gutter or something? My mother-in-law knows lots of jobs. I know, because she keeps trying to get me one.

* When I grow up, I'm going to be rich and famous. At this rate, I'm never going to grow up. Check with me later.

* I thought about being a criminal. There couldn't be much money in it, if you're this desperate. That's pathetic.

* If I had five dollars, my kids or wife spent it already.

* Did you do your homework about this? The only thing here is dirty clothes. Help yourself. We could use all the help we can get.

* We are too poor to spit and got none to spit with. What were you thinking?

* Demographics is a big word that means to check and see how much people got before you try to go and get it from them. You might want to check our demographics. We are in the ain't got none category.

* Are you dreaming? We don't have money or anything else of value. We are dreaming that we might have something someday but you're dreaming, if you think that day is today.

* Go steal somewhere else. We are not worth the effort. We would hate to see you waste your valuable time here.

* When you got up this morning - did you engage your brain? There has never been enough money here to buy anything we could sell if we had to.

Got No Money Guide to Home and Personal Security

More stickers for the protection of home, self and property:

*You can have everything in our house, if we can bum a couple packs of cigarettes from you. We'll help you load it up.

*Steal what you want, but could we bum a couple packs of smokes off you. Our welfare check hasn't come yet.

*We couldn't afford our car insurance and this vehicle is registered with the State Office of No Insurance. Take it at your own risk. Oh yeah - and I've been meaning to get the brakes fixed - use the parking brake if you're going to want to stop at all. Just tug real hard.

*Unemployed Taxpayer.

*The CEO of a major corporation lives several blocks over. We were down-sized and drawing welfare. Why waste the effort? If we had money to rob, guess what? We'd have already spent it on something. In fact, we did.

*We are shoplifting food at the grocery store to feed our family. Please come back on Monday, Wednesday or Thursday and we'll talk shop.

*Our house is in foreclosure. Please feel free to take the rest so we don't have to pay movers.

*Everything here came from the thrift store. Help yourself.

*We are justifiably poor. We follow a religious order. Apparently you need to join. We can save you. Come back when we're here and we will.

*Do you know how many ways you can make macaroni and cheese into different meals? We do. We aren't doing that because we can afford to go out to eat. Our children think happy meals are days we can eat rice and bologna. Don't tell 'em.

*The trash in our yard is not a status thing. We don't have money for that. We are not robbable, unless . . . never mind, you probably have your own trash cans.

*Who told you to come to this neighborhood anyway? We would live somewhere else, if we had any money.

*Our bankruptcy is final. Thanks for stopping by - its a little late but there is a roll of toilet paper left if you hurry.

*We had money once. Please try us again in five years.

*Unemployed long enough to hate everybody. Come on in.

*We own a black and white tv. The children put rocks in our cassette player. We have two lamps that don't work and the telephone's ringer don't ring since I threw it at the wall. If you really want it - go for it.

*Official member of the working poor.

*If you leave your address and phone number, we'll be glad to let you know when we can afford to be robbed.

Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating

Home Decorating when you got no money is a creative enterprise at best which requires a few good tools like a brick, a butter knife and a spirit of adventure.

This is the first. There have been others. I've written several got no money guides to different things. I have not really made them available to the public but they make me laugh whenever I stumble across them around my house.

Well, its not really a house. I just pretend it is so I can feel better about it. The best way to do landscaping when you got no money is to not have a yard. I do have a lawnmower at a friend's house. He is keeping it for me and "lets" me come over and mow his yard in exchange for it being there. Well, too, he thinks I miss yardwork. And you know, I do - bout this [ ] much.

That's because I got no money and going over to borrow someone else's lawn to mow is a great no money way to be entertained for about three hours. Of course, there's no pay in it because my lawnmower is sitting over at someone else's house, after all. But for three hours exercise and entertainment - that's some cheap aerobics program. Its all in how I look at it.