Got No Money Guide

Got No Money Guide To Good Living -3

2008-02-29T09:34:00.000-08:00

Got No Money Guide To Good Living - 3
©Cricket Diane C Phillips, 2008

* You know, if you’ve never lived without money, this stuff probably won’t be very funny to you and personally, I don’t want you to ever experience it to understand it. That’s okay.

* If I didn’t find myself with a PhD in got no money living, maybe it could be taken that I’m making fun of people who are poor. I’ve lived it, I am living it and it doesn’t seem likely that I ever will live with money to do the things I want and need to do. It is funny after awhile.

* Good living requires us to accept ourselves as we are and work with that. A badly designed chair is a real expensive luxury if nobody in the family can safely use it.

* Good living with no money assumes we are already poor, we are confirmed poor, we know we got no money and we don't have anything to prove to other people because they all know we got no money, too.

* This is very important because if we are okay with having no money, we can sit in the durn floor instead of busting our butts falling out of some stupid cheap chair that looks good but falls over backwards when we sit in it.

* Remember, when you got no money and your butt gets broken or any other body parts get broken - there is no buying replacement parts like the folks with money can do.

* We are just stuck looking real impressive to other people as somebody walking around humped over with a broken butt or arm or draggin legs. Not real impressive and ass first, eyes closed - does not work well at all.

* Since we all agree, it's not worth impressing others when we got no money - we can focus on impressing ourselves instead.

* One sure way to be impressed with ourselves when we got no money is to do good living anyway.

* I can have freshly cut flowers in my home like they do in fancy magazines of fine homes, if I grow the durn things first and go out and cut them.

* Enough flowers in a mayonnaise jar stops looking like a jar at some point and starts to seem like a wealth of colors and textures and beautiful, magical, sunny days of good experiences.

* It works with wildflowers and weeds taken from wild meadows and abandoned service stations and with garden-grown or store-bought flowers. That's why they use them in magazines anyway.

* Never use plastic mayo jars for this purpose. No matter how many rocks are put in the bottom, it will tip over and if anything is nearby worth having - that is the place where the jar will spill.

* Other important got no money good living facts: never use a kid's toy hammer to put a nail in the wall. Never, never use a shoe to put a nail in the wall. Never, never, never use the side of a canopener to hammer anything anywhere.

* Then, you'll have to buy a hammer and a canopener and a pair of shoes. Well, it depends on where you started and when you got the clue that it would pay well to own an actual hammer.

* There are lots of tools for good living needed when you got no money. However, there are a lot that can be ruled out altogether since they will never apply to got no money living.

* Unless a boat anchor can be used to hold that chair from tipping over or to prop up the kitchen table, and its given to us real, real cheap - we probably won't have a use for it until we get a boat, maybe next lifetime.

* In fact, a boat would be nice - we could sit it in the front yard, fill it with water and go swimming.

* We might not have the money to get the boat to a lake or the gas to drive it on the lake once we got it there, but we could turn the garden hose on it in the front yard.

* We could practice skiing on the porch and picnic under the nearest sandy shade tree where nothing would grow except moss anyway.

* With enough Christmas lights and neighbors with parked boats and no money - we could call it a regatta and have every poor man's excuse for a party.

* Nearly forty boats all lit up filing down the street and around the block driven behind cars is still a parade. Its worthy of a front yard dance, barbecue, block party, street party and celebrating. How often do the rich and famous see that from their dock beach house?

* We could hold regatta block parties twice a week for a month if the gas holds out. How many garden hoses do we have for some splash appeal and water fun?

* Good living when we got no money has to allow room to enjoy what might be too embarrassing for the status-seeking, money-making, people-impressing type folks to do. There is a lot of room for good living experiences in this area because so few dare to go there.

* When you got no money, they aren't likely to be impressed with your good taste in anything anyway, including regattas, frequent use of cheap Christmas lights and tacky glittery stuff.

* The bigger and tackier the older model station wagon - the more likely people with car payments to make, will yield the right of way with a polite distance. This is called, quality good living space.

* The more raunchy, stained, mis-matched and wrinkled the clothes you wear to the grocery store, even if they are clean and nicely smelling - the more likely that people will give you elbow room when you shop.

* They may stay off the entire aisle where you want to browse through slowly, if you do it right.

* You got no money to spend - take your time. What little bit you do have may be all there is for who knows how long and you best get your moneys' worth.

* Grocery shopping counts as entertainment, miscellaneous and travel when you got no money. You need as much quality time shopping as possible and its better if people just stay out of the way and let you enjoy it.

* The more polite you are with no money living - the more you can enjoy the good-mannered, calming effects of other people, including children. Why save good manners for strangers? It costs nothing to offer respect to those around you and it is good living with or without money.

* We can use those respectful, kind ways for each other here and now when we got no money because we are capable of it and because giving the feelings of respect and honor - we gain them. The more we do that - the richer and stronger we are - it is the basis of true wealth.

Got No Money Guide To Time Management - 2008

2008-02-21T08:51:00.000-08:00

Got No Money Guide to Time Management
©2008 Cricket Diane C. Phillips

* You got no money - you got lots of time.

* Or so it would seem to anyone who has money but no time to do anything.

* Got no money living is some seriously time-consuming living in reality.

* Everything takes more time and other resources when you got no money to throw at stuff.

* It ain’t the bicycle repair shop that’s gonna be fixing that bicycle - it’s you.

* Fast food means you’re having a tuna sandwich on a papertowel and calling it a happy meal.

* It all takes longer because you’re going to have do most things yourself. And, about the time you get that going, something else will need to be done.

* About the time you get it going again, its time to fix food again. There is no run out and grab something real quick at the drive-thru.

* That is, unless you count the children running through the kitchen to grab the sandwiches you just fixed.

* Or husband sliding the truck into the side wall cause he gave up trying to wash the truck in the red mud, grabbed a sandwich and failed to mention that the truck is stuck.

* Drive-thru takes on some interesting meanings when you got no money. Doesn’t always have to do with food, though.

* If you’re lucky enough to have a washer and dryer at home, there will always be someone in the family throwing laundry at you on their way by.

* I don’t know what gave them the idea it was a drive through laundry, but I figured out pretty quickly not to stand in there for long.

* Didn’t matter - my husband would run by me in the kitchen and hand me his burnt motor oil soaked jeans to wash.

* I was going to use them to hold up a table after they hadn’t been washed for three weeks cause we were trying to save money we didn’t have.

* He found them standing in a corner of the room as I was figuring it out and yep, took them to his Mom’s to wash them.

* His mom didn’t have the money problems we had - she sent her biggest budget buster to live with us.

* I’ve had three husbands - if you got no money - don’t get you one of those.

* You only thought you were broke before having a husband.

* Getting a husband is like getting a credit card you can’t pay off - ever.

* If you got no money and think you’d like a husband - go get your penny jar and count them.

* Remember, when he’s done two weeks of being around you - those will be gone too.

* You’re better off just flinging those pennies out in the yard, sit down on the couch, hug your remote control, watch some telly and be happy.

* When you got no money things can get worse and there’s no use inviting it on purpose.

* I only thought my husband’s clothes were the dirtiest things impossible to wash until my daughters made a hot tub out of a red mud hole filled with rain water.

* They were orange from top to toes. I was covered with multi-colored paint, my girls were orange and my husband was covered with burnt motor oil. Got no money living at its finest.

* Now I understand when people suggest that we lead colorful lives. The colorful characters comments, I’m not so sure about.

Got No Money Guide To Good Living - 2

2008-02-17T18:43:00.000-08:00

Got No Money Guide To Good Living - 2
Written by Cricket Diane C Phillips 2008

* I have an active living environment. This means a got no money good living environment dedicated to actively living in it. Things to do, workspaces for doing them and living by doing.

* You’ve got to ask yourself what you’d be doing if you had all the money in the world anyway.

* If its sitting around reading books - get some books. If its cooking special meals for people you love - get some recipes and do it.

* This isn’t a hard concept to grasp. I found it in a book once. Then I bought seeds for gardening and planted them.

* It was during a bad drought and only one marigold and five tomato plants grew out of thousands of seeds - about $8 worth of seed packets.

* But the seeds from those six plants have grown tomatoes and marigolds everywhere I’ve lived since. They’ve provided flowers and tomatoes in my friends’ and neighbors’ yards, at my parents’ house and I still have some today from them.

* If I don’t have a yard to garden - I just go and garden somebody else’s yard or plant them in the window inside the house. Its all the same to me because if I were rich its what I would do. So, I do it. Why wait?

* Between books from the library, books on sale, books online and books at the thrift store, yard sales and friends of the library sales - there are whole libraries available to own when you got no money and want good living.

* Be aware that what you have in your hand may be a library book before you stick it under the couch where the leg used to be. And, as soon as you use the dictionary for that you’ll need to look up a word. Better go find a brick instead.

* May as well not sit around thinking about what you haven’t got. Build it, create it, do it with what is around you.

* There is always something - some way to do it - somewhere to find it - some way to acquire it even with no money.

* In fact, with money is one of the most inefficient ways to go about it for most things most of the time.

* By the time I’ve shopped for what doesn’t really suit the purpose I have for it, I could’ve built, acquired or reclaimed four things (at least) to solve the problem that suits the purpose.

Got No Money Guide To Saving Money - 2008

2008-02-16T20:57:00.000-08:00

Got No Money Guide To Saving Money - 2008

* Can't save what you haven't got.

-- short chapter. . .

* This is what we call a "fantasy" - its a fantasy you're having if you think its a problem.

By Cricket Diane C Phillips, 2-16-08

Got No Money Guide To Good Living - 2008

2008-02-13T22:49:00.000-08:00

* Good living does not require money to be done and it sure doesn't need to wait till you got some.

* There are all kinds of great ways to add good living to every day living. Throw a sheet on the floor and have a picnic.

* Or, if you don't mind ants and bugs - throw the sheet or blanket or old quilt on the grass in the backyard and call it a picnic. You can bring stuff out in baskets - even the pretty napkins and glass cups. Its your picnic - do it so it delights you and those you love. Its good living.

* We grew a beautiful trailing red rose bush to have rose petal baths with rose hips tea. With four blueberry bushes, we had fresh blueberries with the dew still on them warm from the sun.

* It was great fun until my husband put himself in the bath with burnt motor oil and diesel crud all over him. I will never forget that rosy smell.

* Some people just don't have prosperity thinking when they got no money. They would pay $6,000 for a rose petal bath at a spa but wouldn't buy a $5 rose bush to have that bath at home.

* A satin pillowcase isn't but a two dollar remnant or prom dress from the thrift store and a little sewing. Who needs a $50 hair stylist with a satin pillow to sleep on, a hairbrush and blowdryer.

* In fact, a blow dryer comes in handy for all sorts of useful stuff when you got no money.

* Its not real efficient for drying socks compared to the top of a good station wagon - but it is very useful for quick setting glue to fix upholstery on sofas, chairs and free-form macro furniture.

* It also sets the caulk on the bathtub when you redo it to get off the burnt motor oil from husband's baths.

* A good blow dryer will melt some good plastics for sculpting and making handles fit, too. Never melt plastics in a toaster oven - its an air quality thing.

* Every time you buy groceries - put back the cookies and go buy a hammer or a screwdriver or pliers or scissors. You can always bake cookies, but you can never find something to make do as well for the others.

* Although, a dime will make a good screwdriver and even an old phone book can hammer some stuff, its easier to have the tools for easy good living handy.

* I would definitely say "always have" to a few things like duct tape, scissors, hammers and screwdrivers, measuring cups, measuring spoons and some good glues.

* It helps to have nails, tacks, tapes - electrical and otherwise. They are all good living necessaries. When you have to glue something and there isn't any glue, then what? You're stuck with taping, stapling, nailing it or leaving it the way it is.

* Of course, I've caulked some stuff that shouldn't have been touched with caulk just to get it to stick together and there's something that's obviously been fixed poorly.

* I also used duct tape to stick a gutter back on the house and that didn't work very well either. It appears that water sources have to be handled a little differently than sticking it back on with a good long piece of duct tape.

Got No Money Guide To Good Living

2008-02-11T22:30:00.000-08:00

* Most good living is going to happen whether or not you got any money. Trashy living will happen too whether you got any money or not. The trick is to do more of the good living than letting it slide into trashy regardless of your economic reality.

* I've got to say, though, there is some comfort in trashy living - nobody expects much and its easy enough to accomplish that.

* If you wanna do good living when you got no money - its really easy. Satin pillowcases for your head and day-old cakes, donuts and collecting stuff everybody else is done using.

* We had do it later mentality for a long time until one day I realized we were going to be poor for probably ever and ever so that day we started good living anyway.

* We bought fancy napkins that cost fifty cents each at the clearance aisle one week which isn't too bad if you don't mind that they won't match each other or anything else either.

* Those napkins were a one-time investment for years of imagining the fine dining of a fancy restaurant without leaving home.

* We were scared to get those nice napkins messy so we brought home a library book about folding them, set the table with them folded all fancy and used paper towels.

* My children loved folding those napkins from the directions in the book - this made it a multi-part family activity. I think there are still some around somewhere I'm saving.

* Appearances are an important part of good living when you got no money. Canned peaches really do taste wonderful with candy sprinkles and stars on top.

* Do not bake canned peaches expecting any improvement. *

* There are wonders you can do when you stick a pie crust under something, though, and put those little dough strips on top with some butter and sugar. Now, that's good living right there.

* I remembered that my grandmother talked about a peaches and cream complexion and yes, I did try using that for a facial mask - it is not the same with canned peaches and milk. This is not a good living experience with or without money.

* That mask would've worked maybe a hundred years ago when there was no way to compare it to anything else but now that I've thought about it - maybe the weather was just different.

* We didn't generally have air conditioning because we didn't need a $600 electric bill. Some things involved in good living need to be modified when doing it without air conditioning.

* When you got no money you might as well do with what works. Doing what doesn't work costs money that you aren't going to get to fix it. Then you're living with it that way for who knows how long.

* A chair could be a good example of things that have to be modified without air conditioning and an idea of the cost involved when stuff just doesn't work. Vinyl does stick to the skin when its hot and humid outside - and without cool air - its like that inside, too.

* Strangely enough, the cost of a leather chair at the thrift store is about the same as vinyl or naugahyde, but the difference is whether you pick the chair up on the back of your leg when you get up from it. Good living says the chair stays where you put it.

Got No Money Guide To Home Decorating 2007

2007-09-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

* It doesn't take a genius to understand home decorating. It isn't rocket science but to do rocket science is easier when you got no money than home decorating.

* That's because there's more manure in the world for blowing things slap to the moon than there are fine and fancy things for no money to use for decorating.

* I wouldn't get too caught up in that, though. What can be done with $200 a yard fabric can always be done with other stuff given a freer sense of what's what.

* Sheets can be used as curtains, if you don't mind everywhere in your house looking like your bedroom.

* Yards and yards of fabric can be bought for $1.00 a yard or even 50 cents a yard that you wouldn't want to use to line the floor of a doghouse, but given enough of it - there's something Architectural Digest would be proud to display.

* It can always glow-in-the-dark with a little spray paint or poofs from t-shirt paint pods to make stars and planets or even fancy flow in the dark florals.

* Sparkle and spatter - these are some of the great terms of got no money decorating. If you can't sparkle it, I would be surprised.

* Do not use spray adhesive to fling glitter on curtains for sparkle. After about six months, the dust in the air collects on them which gives a whole new meaning to the term textured.

* If you want spatter effects, this is easy enough given just about anything with color including kool-aid. You won't learn this at kid's school but do not do spatter effects with children around to see it being done. Their little minds are not going to think limited use in a decorating scheme on this.

* Spatter paint and glitter on sofa pillows are nice effects and some have been done to cover an entire couch, chair or wall. This does not work well with absolutely every paint in existence. I know by experience. The nice little acrylic paints leave hard poke into you spots when dry that don't allow you to ever get comfortable on the same couch again.

* Do not assume that dust will not show up as much on dark surfaces. This is the same dust that looks darn well yucky everywhere else with its dark little greyed out lint but on dark fabrics, walls or furniture - it is bright enough to have its own zipcode.

2007-06-08T18:16:00.000-07:00

Got No Money Guide 2007 Anti-Theft Bumper Stickers - More from 2007

It's easy to understand that a little sticker on the car or home windows could deter criminals from desiring an end prize that isn't worth it. Security company logos are used on property all the time to let the bad guys know the risk involved. But, if the thieves only knew . . .

* Before stealing this car - check the gas gauge. Yes, it is on E isn’t it?

* And how much money did you bring with you to stop by the Quicky Mart for gas? If things are bad enough to be stealing this car, you are in for a shock when you stop for gas . . . You know, it doesn’t go without gas, right?

* Apparently “D” doesn’t stand for “Daring to Believe”. I wish I had known that before I bought it and spent all my money to drive it. If you want to steal it, let me know and I’ll send you the payment book, the insurance forms and the maintenance schedule. You can have it all.

* The only air conditioning on this car is rolling down the windows. You might want to know what that rattling sound is under the car. Never mind - go ahead and steal it.

* Isn’t this just the perfect car you’ve always wanted? I felt that way, too. Would you like to know why I don’t feel that way anymore?

* This is a really slow way to make a living - stealing cars. It is NOT a million dollar idea!

* If you knew what the auto mechanic wanted to fix this car - you’d get out of the business of stealing and be a mechanic.

* Next year, I‘m getting a better car - come back later.

* God may forgive you for stealing this car - but you’ll have a hard time forgiving yourself after driving it a week. It’d be a good little car with new rotors, brakes and tires. Well, maybe with that and some other things, too.

* You just made my day. Thanks so much for wanting something I have. And my mom said this car was a worthless piece of - well, never mind what she said.

* I have a bank account I can’t keep a hundred dollars in and you think I have bank cards, credit cards and cash? What drugs are you on - that must be some good stuff. Just off in your own happy little la-la land, aren’t you?

* I have a daughter who is just your type. Leave your name and phone number - we’ll get back to you.

* Don’t worry about stealing the car - our daughter will find it when she’s ready to go somewhere and bring it back to you with no gas in it.

* Just because I look like I’ve got money - it doesn’t make it so. Just ask my mother-in-law.

* Let’s look at this. Stealing isn’t efficient. Hacking is efficient. But neither is efficient compared to being an attorney. Boy, do you need guidance.

* If my credit cards weren’t maxed out - I’d be on vacation. Kinda figures, doesn’t it.

* Take three steps back and get a good look at this car. If that doesn’t make you wanna steal something else, there is nothing I can do for you.

* Did you see that little ding in the bumper I put in it last week? You wouldn’t think going over one of those parking stubs would twist the frame and ding up the fender, would you? By the way, when you steal this car, you need to know the steering is a little loosey-goosey, too. Don’t ask. . .

* Somebody already ripped the tag off this car which wasn’t legal anyway because I didn’t have the money to go to the tag office and get the sticker for it. But that’s okay, I think the insurance was due at the same time.

* Have you considered that pimping a ride doesn’t mean using mine to do it?

* If you don’t have any money today - obviously - then after stealing this car and driving it a month - you’ll be in the same boat that I’m in.

* You just thought you were broke. Try having my lifestyle.

* The first Tuesday of next month, our house is being sold on the courthouse steps. The light bill is overdue by two months and the water was turned off yesterday. Now - let’s think this through. Do you really think the finance company will let you keep this car after you steal it? We’ve been hiding it from the repo man for months. Good luck.

* This house would be protected by a guard dog but you have to feed them.

* When we had money, we spent it the same day for beer, cigarettes and putting gas in the car. You might want to reconsider your options.

* Our dope man is our best friend. Guess where all our money is? Let us know and we’ll hook you up. Yes, his place does have an alarm system but you can get around that.

* Would you consider a barter? You can have all our credit cards and we’ll take your car.

* No, that is not a jump rope holding the car door on. It might look that way, but as long as you don’t open that door . . .

* If you break into this house, be careful where you step. Our dog hasn’t been out of the house for a week. The vet said Bebe won’t be contagious in a few more days. She is a little aggravated, though.

* We are not liable for any injuries arising from your attempt to steal from us.

* We took the best class in tae kwon do. It’ll be nice to have a chance to practice. Go for it.

* When you got up this morning, what were you thinking? Have you noticed the gas prices lately? What would make you think we have any money?

* There is a penny jar in the top cabinet. Have at it.

* Did you see all that fancy underwear from the mall in my lingerie drawer when you were hunting for money? Do you know what $35 will buy at the Mall?

* We had money until we went by Home Depot this morning. You should not watch those home improvement shows, if you want to have any money in the bank.

* We have two teenagers with cellphones. Do you have any idea what this means?

* Financially incompetent since the divorce. Ask my ex-husband.

* We spent more on the x-box than anything else. If you’re here to steal, take it. Maybe my grown children will move out.

* Global warming notwithstanding, you might want to get the fuel pump fixed if you steal this car. Or, do you believe walking is doing your part for the environment?

* Everything we own needs fixing. If it isn’t broken, needs painting or needs to be replaced, my husband got it in the divorce. Let me get you his address.

* Our car gets three miles to the gallon.

* Take it easy. This is not one of your best ideas. Our house note is behind because we only had enough money to give the IRS and buy groceries. There’s a can of tuna in the cabinet, help yourself.

* Our tv isn’t worth what we paid for it. We still have a vcr from 1980 something. I don’t know what there is steal. I haven’t been to Wal-Mart in over two months.

* I don’t have a laptop. My cellphone needs minutes bought for it because I’m out of minutes. There isn’t a loaf of bread in the house and if you steal anything here - you’re on your own. It probably needed replacing ten years ago.

* Would you believe our tv still has rabbit ears?

* I used to have a good attitude until I was laid off or down-sized or whatever they’re calling it now. You really DON’T want to get in the car with me. Take my word for it - I am psychotic.

* This property protected by permanent hostility towards anybody with money - this includes you. Since you’ve been stealing to make a living - you obviously have more money than I do.

* Tremendously aggravated taxpayer within. Be a hero. Go ahead, I’ve got nothing better to do.

* We ordered a pizza with our last thirty dollars. Try again next week.

* Grossly underpaid, overtaxed and stressed out.

* My psychiatrist says I’m at the breaking point. Steal from me at your own risk. I won’t necessarily go postal on you.

* You could get a real job easier than this. I know you already realize stealing is a lot harder than it looks. A lot of jobs give you money just to show up on time. You apparently know how to do that.

Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating

2006-04-17T14:22:00.000-07:00

* Fashion decorating has a lot of important concepts to remember. Rustic means you bring the sticks inside the house and Euro-rustic means to leave the sticks outside but bring the tree in the house.

* Early American and primitive means you hang all the rusty tools on the wall as a fashion accent. Poor means you're still using them everyday.

* Danish modern means everything is made out of the wood your grandma said wasn't good for nothing and polishing it. All other modern/contemporary means all the furniture is white because they can afford to hire somebody to keep it clean and their children puke on art canvas instead of the couch.

* They might not call it a couch. When you got no money, it doesn't much matter what you call it. It does help to be able to sit down on it.

* Keeping the important things in mind when decorating with no money is critical. With $500 to buy designer sheets, who could sleep? I'd lay awake all night trying to spend that much money. I sure couldn't sleep on it.

* Another important thing to consider about decorating is what paid people think. The paid people from the government that have to come visit every week probably won't understand wwhy you just don't go buy new stuff anyway. We go no money is not their problem. We're paying them.

* Glue and scotch tape are the magic tools of the got no money decorator. What you can't glue or tape, you don't need to be doing and can't afford. Anything that has to be propped up to be any good needs a good brick. These are the basic elements of good design with no money.

* If you can tack it on the wall - don't waste any nails on it. If you can stickey tack it on - don't waste any tacks on it. This is a hardware concept - you don't have to waste a lot of time fighting with it.

* By the way - the Early American thing - don't use tacks. Those old rusty hand saws just will not stay. This is called an "active environment" risk.

* Children's rooms are almost cheating because they are so easy to decorate with no money. We dump the box of their toys out in the middle of the floor and call it, "child development access area." Takes all the work out of it.

* There is no such thing as broken - has to be thrown away when you have no money. Old dishwasher handlebar got broke - it becomes a new bicycle pedal. Shelf got broke because child was using it for free-form dexterity test - it becomes a scraper to take the plaster off the toilet.

* Everything can be incorporated into a thorough, well-planned decorating scheme. You know how stiff blue jeans get when they have been worn three weeks without being washed? If they can just hold up this one tabletop . . .

Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating

2006-04-15T07:29:00.000-07:00

* I started to wallpaper the bathroom with legal papers. The government is the only one that can afford paper. They sent a tone of it to our house. Surely it could be a decorating element. You can't wipe with it.

* Maps are great wallpaper. I saw it done in a book once. The book picture showed a great room wallpapered in maps. Of course, they could afford mahogany shelving to accent them. Wonder if the effect would be the same with fake fur and stucco? I've seen cars done that way.

* We like textural finishes. We have a friend that finishes houses and gives us the ends of the buckets. Do you know what ceiling mud does when its left in the bottom of the bucket too long? Yes, it does make a nice wall sculpture, doesn't it? A little glow-in-the-dark paint and hope it doesn't fall on anybody . . .

* Never plaster a toilet. Toilets do no lend themselves to great decorating ideas.

* We had four custom wheels in our basement which fit not any car we could ever afford. We had a small square coffee table where we ate with no stools. Now, we have four industro-fashion fifty dollar a piece fully functional, modular seating units which fit securely under the butt.

* Butt is not a fashion decorating word but it is a priority element of decorating. What you do with butts makes all the difference in decorating. Cheap seats are hard seats. Can't afford them anyway. And no money butts are hard, scrawny, boney butts. Hard seats won't do. You'll have to keep a crowbar on the wall to pry the seats from the butts. Isn't that special? Early American . . .

* If birthday streamers, banners, balloons, Christmas and New Year's decorations are left up long enough, they become decorating elements automatically. People stop asking whose birthday it is about the second month they are still up.

Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating

2006-04-08T09:19:00.000-07:00

* You know houseplants are just fast growing weeds with a pot stuck under them.

* Houseplants are easier to hang than bankers but not near as much fun to watch.

* For 99 cents , you can glo-in-the-dark anything. Who needs fancy emergency lights and a generator for a storm? Put enough glo-in-the-dark paint around and you can't tell the difference.

* We glo-in-the-dark everything. We can find our shoes in the dark, our stove in the dark, my husband's privates in the dark.

* Don't say anything to my husband about the glo-in-the-dark privates thing. He never looks down at himself and I haven't told him.

* Plastic flowers in the window boxes were a great idea from a friend of mine, but we couldn't afford them. So, we put that idea with another problem we kept having and now our windows have really great dirty socks on a stick in the boxes. From the street, you can't tell anyway.

*No, they don't glo-in-the-dark. But, we could do that . . .

*My husband keeps asking what happened to all his socks. So you think I should tell him? He can't divorce me. We don't have any money.

Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating

2006-04-07T11:29:00.001-07:00

"Genius is to be Resourceful, ingenious, daring, creative and let go of the confounded limitations in propriety." cricket quote from 1999

*When you got no money it's not the same as being poor. Poor is a state of mind. Got no money is a fact.

*A trail of stars:
Camping under the stars - Glow in the dark stars on every ceiling is easier than camping -
no bugs, no rain, real beds and the keys don't get locked in the car.

With a nature sounds recording - you'll think you're in the woods till your ex-mother-in-law comes over.

*The best way to approach decorating when there is no money is to choose a color scheme and realy stick with it. One of our favorites is cardboard brown, grey and glow in the dark.

Got No Money Guide to Home and Personal Security

2006-04-04T09:50:00.000-07:00

Got No Money Guide to Home Security

Most people get a sticker for their window that says, "Protected by xx Security and Alarm" or something like that. Then, of course, every month there is a fee for the company to protect the property by manning the alarms.

When you got no money, that isn't realistic. So, to help the world of folks with no money, these are anti-theft suggestions and crime deterrents as stickers for the home, car and personal property:

*Already pawned everything of value.

*There's a reason I drive a beat-up Ford.

*We were the 223 millionth American family to file for bankruptcy. What they didn't take isn't worth stealing.

*Ex air traffic controller - Ex postal carrier - go for it - make my day.

*Victim of impoverisation economic demographics. I'm poor. You can't steal what I aint got.

*The government already got it.

*If you are looking for our money - the IRS has it.

*The credit cards in my wallet were maxed out three months ago. I was arrested at an atm for trying to withdraw my own money. The bankruptcy will be final eventually after my ex-wife's lawyers are done screwing up my life. Have it all - your luck has to be better than mine.

*If you steal my checks or atm card - you'll have to beat the checks to the bank just like I do.

*All our money was in a savings and loan.

*We down-sized. We're doing without money, thankyou very much.

**We just paid our electric bill that was two months behind. Your timing is way, way off.

More Got No Money Guide to Home Security

More stickers for the protection of home, self and property:

*You can have everything in our house, if we can bum a couple packs of cigarettes from you. We'll help you load it up.

*Steal what you want, but could we bum a couple packs of smokes off you. Our welfare check hasn't come yet.

*We couldn't afford our car insurance and this vehicle is registered with the State Office of No Insurance. Take it at your own risk. Oh yeah - and I've been meaning to get the brakes fixed - use the parking brake if you're going to want to stop at all. Just tug real hard.

*Unemployed Taxpayer.

*The CEO of a major corporation lives several blocks over. We were down-sized and drawing welfare. Why waste the effort? If we had money to rob, guess what? We'd have already spent it on something. In fact, we did.

*We are shoplifting food at the grocery store to feed our family. Please come back on Monday, Wednesday or Thursday and we'll talk shop.

*Our house is in foreclosure. Please feel free to take the rest so we don't have to pay movers.

*Everything here came from the thrift store. Help yourself.

*We are justifiably poor. We follow a religious order. Apparently you need to join. We can save you. Come back when we're here and we will.

*Do you know how many ways you can make macaroni and cheese into different meals? We do. We aren't doing that because we can afford to go out to eat. Our children think happy meals are days we can eat rice and bologna. Don't tell 'em.

*The trash in our yard is not a status thing. We don't have money for that. We are not robbable, unless . . . never mind, you probably have your own trash cans.

*Who told you to come to this neighborhood anyway? We would live somewhere else, if we had any money.

*Our bankruptcy is final. Thanks for stopping by - its a little late but there is a roll of toilet paper left if you hurry.

*We had money once. Please try us again in five years.

*Unemployed long enough to hate everybody. Come on in.

*We own a black and white tv. The children put rocks in our cassette player. We have two lamps that don't work and the telephone's ringer don't ring since I threw it at the wall. If you really want it - go for it.

*Official member of the working poor.

*If you leave your address and phone number, we'll be glad to let you know when we can afford to be robbed.

More stickets to stave off the bad guys from your home, self and property:

* We won't be available for robbery until next year or later. This year the IRS got it all.

* Do you have any idea how many places there are that have money available? Have you noticed we don't look like we're on that list? That's because we don't have any money.

* We are consistently poor. We are okay with that. The state has made sure we have a psychologist so we can be okay with that. If you want to rob somebody, get a psychology degree. The state is paying him $120 per hour to tell us its okay to be poor as long as we're consistent and have an identity.

* We got no mo money. We bought plastic laundry baskets so we could get organized. We bought little circle tabs in different colors so we could be color-coded. We got cleaning sprays so we could clean and disinfect everything in our house. We obviously ran out of money about half way through the grocery store because we forgot to get icecream and had to put some things back. You've got to be kidding. If you robbed a street person or a senator at least you'd get their liquor money.

* My company explained to me what down-sizing means. Would you like me to explain it to you? Yes, I do have an attitude, don't I?

* Are you sure it wouldn't be easier to get a job hanging gutter or something? My mother-in-law knows lots of jobs. I know, because she keeps trying to get me one.

* When I grow up, I'm going to be rich and famous. At this rate, I'm never going to grow up. Check with me later.

* I thought about being a criminal. There couldn't be much money in it, if you're this desperate. That's pathetic.

* If I had five dollars, my kids or wife spent it already.

* Did you do your homework about this? The only thing here is dirty clothes. Help yourself. We could use all the help we can get.

* We are too poor to spit and got none to spit with. What were you thinking?

* Demographics is a big word that means to check and see how much people got before you try to go and get it from them. You might want to check our demographics. We are in the ain't got none category.

* Are you dreaming? We don't have money or anything else of value. We are dreaming that we might have something someday but you're dreaming, if you think that day is today.

* Go steal somewhere else. We are not worth the effort. We would hate to see you waste your valuable time here.

* When you got up this morning - did you engage your brain? There has never been enough money here to buy anything we could sell if we had to.

Got No Money Guide to Home Security

2006-04-04T08:52:00.000-07:00

More stickets to stave off the bad guys from your home, self and property:

* We won't be available for robbery until next year or later. This year the IRS got it all.

* Do you have any idea how many places there are that have money available? Have you noticed we don't look like we're on that list? That's because we don't have any money.

* We are consistently poor. We are okay with that. The state has made sure we have a psychologist so we can be okay with that. If you want to rob somebody, get a psychology degree. The state is paying him $120 per hour to tell use its okay to be poor as long as we're consistent and have an identity.

* We got no mo money. We bought plastic laundry baskets so we could get organized. We bought little circle tabs in different colors so we could be color-coded. We got cleaning sprays so we could clean and disinfect everything in our house. We obviously ran out of money about half way through the grocery store because we forgot to get icecream and had to put some things back. You've got to be kidding. If you robbed a street person or a senator at least you'd get their liquor money.

* My company explained to me what down-sizing means. Would you like me to explain it to you? Yes, I do have an attitude, don't I?

* Are you sure it wouldn't be easier to get a job hanging gutter or something? My mother-in-law knows lots of jobs. I know, because she keeps trying to get me one.

* When I grow up, I'm going to be rich and famous. At this rate, I'm never going to grow up. Check with me later.

* I thought about being a criminal. There couldn't be much money in it, if you're this desperate. That's pathetic.

* If I had five dollars, my kids or wife spent it already.

* Did you do your homework about this? The only thing here is dirty clothes. Help yourself. We could use all the help we can get.

* We are too poor to spit and got none to spit with. What were you thinking?

* Demographics is a big word that means to check and see how much people got before you try to go and get it from them. You might want to check our demographics. We are in the ain't got none category.

* Are you dreaming? We don't have money or anything else of value. We are dreaming that we might have something someday but you're dreaming, if you think that day is today.

* Go steal somewhere else. We are not worth the effort. We would hate to see you waste your valuable time here.

* When you got up this morning - did you engage your brain? There has never been enough money here to buy anything we could sell if we had to.

Got No Money Guide to Home and Personal Security

2006-04-03T08:18:00.000-07:00

More stickers for the protection of home, self and property:

*You can have everything in our house, if we can bum a couple packs of cigarettes from you. We'll help you load it up.

*Steal what you want, but could we bum a couple packs of smokes off you. Our welfare check hasn't come yet.

*We couldn't afford our car insurance and this vehicle is registered with the State Office of No Insurance. Take it at your own risk. Oh yeah - and I've been meaning to get the brakes fixed - use the parking brake if you're going to want to stop at all. Just tug real hard.

*Unemployed Taxpayer.

*The CEO of a major corporation lives several blocks over. We were down-sized and drawing welfare. Why waste the effort? If we had money to rob, guess what? We'd have already spent it on something. In fact, we did.

*We are shoplifting food at the grocery store to feed our family. Please come back on Monday, Wednesday or Thursday and we'll talk shop.

*Our house is in foreclosure. Please feel free to take the rest so we don't have to pay movers.

*Everything here came from the thrift store. Help yourself.

*We are justifiably poor. We follow a religious order. Apparently you need to join. We can save you. Come back when we're here and we will.

*Do you know how many ways you can make macaroni and cheese into different meals? We do. We aren't doing that because we can afford to go out to eat. Our children think happy meals are days we can eat rice and bologna. Don't tell 'em.

*The trash in our yard is not a status thing. We don't have money for that. We are not robbable, unless . . . never mind, you probably have your own trash cans.

*Who told you to come to this neighborhood anyway? We would live somewhere else, if we had any money.

*Our bankruptcy is final. Thanks for stopping by - its a little late but there is a roll of toilet paper left if you hurry.

*We had money once. Please try us again in five years.

*Unemployed long enough to hate everybody. Come on in.

*We own a black and white tv. The children put rocks in our cassette player. We have two lamps that don't work and the telephone's ringer don't ring since I threw it at the wall. If you really want it - go for it.

*Official member of the working poor.

*If you leave your address and phone number, we'll be glad to let you know when we can afford to be robbed.

Got No Money Guide to Home Decorating

2006-04-02T09:19:00.000-07:00

Home Decorating when you got no money is a creative enterprise at best which requires a few good tools like a brick, a butter knife and a spirit of adventure.

2006-04-01T16:03:00.000-08:00

This is the first. There have been others. I've written several got no money guides to different things. I have not really made them available to the public but they make me laugh whenever I stumble across them around my house.

Well, its not really a house. I just pretend it is so I can feel better about it. The best way to do landscaping when you got no money is to not have a yard. I do have a lawnmower at a friend's house. He is keeping it for me and "lets" me come over and mow his yard in exchange for it being there. Well, too, he thinks I miss yardwork. And you know, I do - bout this [ ] much.

That's because I got no money and going over to borrow someone else's lawn to mow is a great no money way to be entertained for about three hours. Of course, there's no pay in it because my lawnmower is sitting over at someone else's house, after all. But for three hours exercise and entertainment - that's some cheap aerobics program. Its all in how I look at it.